Not funny

I think it's safe to say that I enjoy a good laugh. With the exception of meticulously planning theme party outfits and costumes, I'd say that laughing and all it's comical relatives are my livelihood. You've got a dirty joke? I want to hear it. Enjoy quoting one-liners from Seinfeld favorites? Let's rock. As a matter of fact, we could go head to head like those dueling banjos from Deliverance. My point is, there are few things in life better than a nice, healthy sense of humor. With that said, comedic slipups break my heart...and probably also make me cringe. Two examples come to mind, and at the risk of sounding cynical, I'd like to discuss why they're so not funny.

Exhibit A: The Geico commercial.
I'm sure that some of you are surprised to see that as my opening argument. Historically (i.e. within the past 3 years), Geico has provided the masses with nothing less than advertising excellence. Translating the subject of insurance into memorable and truly funny dialogue is an accomplishment held only by the company represented by a gecko. The caveman commercials are pure genius. And they will surely become a part of pop culture trivia, if they haven't already. But lately, Geico has dropped the ball. In one foul swoop, they have drastically damaged their credibility as the company with a sense of humor. And you know who's to blame? Verne Troyer.
That's right. Mini Me.
Casting Mr. Troyer as the "celebrity" to tell the insurance claim story was a shaky decision in the first place. And then, whether through scripts or ad-libbing, the final cut resulted in him stuttering out the "birthday" rap while taking awkward attempts at dance moves from the mid 90s. I feel like I'm at a midget bat-mitzvah reception every time I see it. And it makes me sad. Shouldn't he be sitting on his big pile of Austin Powers money somewhere in Beverly Hills? Or better yet, having sex with average-sized 20 somethings who moved to LA to make it big? But certainly not this. It's pathetic. And it makes me wonder what his life is like now that his days as Dr. Evil's clone are long gone. I'm sure it's not pretty. And it's definitely not funny.

Exhibit B: Fake rubber limbs
You're cruising down to 7-11 to pick up a pack of Bubblicious and the latest National Enquirer ( or Us Weekly for all you intellectuals...) when WHOA what's this? It seems someone has inadvertently shut their door on the arm of the poor coworker who just wanted to carpool! Oh wait, no...It's just a soccer mom's feeble attempt to be clever. In general, these fake limbs are not even worth talking about. They're about as corny as the wire leash that provides the illusion of walking an invisible dog. But I recently had a run-in with this Spencer's best seller on my way home from work. I was crossing the bridge when I looked up at the tow truck that was cutting me off. And lo and behold, I saw an arm under some rags and a tarp on the flatbed. The unorthodox positioning of the gag gift took me off guard, so I didn't immediately recognize the Caucasian hand and white dress shirt as a fake. Long story short, I let out a gasp and nearly crashed my car over the Woodrow's guardrail and into the Potomac. So, anything that almost makes me kill myself is also not funny.

But hey, let's not dwell on the negative. Nobody's perfect. We forgive you, Verne. And I'm almost ready to forgive you, aggressive tow truck driver. Just never do it again.